|
The Tessarae Inn |
|
Dreams In Amber Refrains CHAPTER 31 Soft strains of music filtered up from the cafeteria below as well as the excited buzz of lots of people talking at once. Still Blair noted that things were relatively quiet in the back of the school auditorium where she was sitting. That special soft quiet that usually descended after a storm of joyful proportions. She studied the stage. Belle Hastings had done a wonderful job with the scenery and props. And despite everything, the play had turned out to be a delight. “Are you feeling better, Starr?” Starr looked up at her still dressed in costume with her face smudged and her hair artfully decorated with twigs and leaves. “I’m glad you’re here, Mommy. I always feel better when you’re with me.” Blair hugged her tightly. “Nothing in the world is more important to your daddy and me than you and Jack. We love you to distraction. I’m sorry if you think we haven’t been around enough lately.” “I had fun, Mommy. I’m just glad you’re here now. I’m ready to go home.” Blair smoothed Starr’s hair. “Is something wrong other than you not feeling well?” “You don’t think Aunt Dorian and Cousin Cassie are mad at me do you? They came all this way to see me in the play and I got sick after the first act. And Jason.” “No. They had a great time and Maddog is putting on the dog for them.” “Putting on the dog? What’s that mean, Mommy?” “He’s just throwing them the best party he can. Don’t you want to go?” “Not yet.” “Okay. We’ll just sit here for a while.” “Is Daddy mad at me?” “Starr, I don’t think your father ever gets mad at you. He took Jack to the party. He thought we’d be right behind him.” “He may come back soon then. He’ll miss me being there.” “You’re probably right so why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you while it’s just the two of us?” Starr scrapped her feet along the floor. “I was mean to Claire.” “Why? I thought she was your best friend.” “She was a better Cinderella.” “Claire was wonderful in the play and so was that James boy. But she wasn’t better than you were.” “Yes, she was and she always was. Everybody just thought I was prettier. And I never even wanted to be Cinderella anyway. I wanted to be the wicked stepmother but Lance told me I shouldn’t do that.” “Lance? The boy who played Prince Charming at first?” Prince Charming and his parents stormed out after the first act but not before causing a big scene. Blair wasn’t at all sorry to see them go. There was something about them she just didn’t like. A strange sensation in Creedyville. “Yeah that’s him but he got mad when I got sick so Tay took over for him.” “Well, Tay was very good.” “I think he likes Claire.” “Do you like Tay?” “I didn’t in the beginning and I wasn’t really nice to him.” “But you like him now.” “He likes Claire.” “And she liked him when you didn’t.” “Only a little bit longer.” “What about Lance? You used to talk about him all the time.” “He’s not too smart and all he cares about is himself. I should never have listened to him then I never would have been mean to Claire.” “You listened because you thought he’d like you if you did what he said?” “I guess. Then I found out I didn’t like him that much.” Blair cupped her hand on Starr’s cheek then kissed her on the forehead. “You did a nice thing for Claire today, didn’t you? You stepped back so she could play the part of Cinderella.” “Sort of.” “Friends are really important, Starr. I’m proud of you. You decided that being a friend was more important than being in the spotlight.” “Yeah, but now everyone is saying how good she was and hugging her and stuff.” “And you want that, too.” “I guess. It’s not like I wasn’t great, too.” “I can guarantee you that when we walk into that party everyone is going to hug you and tell you you were great because you were. But you can’t have it both ways. You can’t do a nice thing for someone then take it back and still think people will see it as nice. So you have to let Claire get her fair share of the attention. That’s what a good friend would do.” “Is it okay to be mad at Lance?” “Yes, that’s definitely okay but remember you were the one who agreed to do what he asked.” Starr stuck her lips out. “I know.” Blair picked up her hand and swung it gently. “You will probably meet a lot of boys like Lance in your life, Starr, and they will tell you what to do so they will like you but I want you to remember that if they tell you to not be yourself they don’t really care about you.” “Daddy lets you be yourself?” “He’s the only man who ever did. That’s why I love him so much.” “I should have been the wicked stepmother and Tay would probably have helped me catch spiders.” “Maybe.” “Star-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r,” screamed Claire as she rushed up the aisle toward them still dressed in Cinderella’s ball gown. “Are you feeling better yet?” Starr grinned and waved at Claire. She then looked up at Blair. Blair squeezed Starr’s hand then let it go as she watched Claire bouncing toward them like a wild colt and Angie Briscoe rushing to catch up with a big smile on her face. “You got to come to the party. Maddog made you a huge cake that looks like a spider!! It’s so cool! And….and I met Jason. He’s so coo-oo-l-ness! Come on, please. Everybody misses you! They can’t wait for you to get there.” Starr looked up at her. “What do you think, Mommy? Am I better enough to go?” “I think you are better than better.” Starr jumped up and ran next to Claire. “You were great in the play.” “Almost as good as you. But only almost.” Starr grinned at her then locked her arm in Claire’s. “You were both wonderful and beautiful,” said Angie Briscoe. “I was so proud of you both I almost cried.” Starr and Claire looked at each other then hugged Angie then ran to Blair and hugged her. Then they took off running toward the cafeteria where half the town was waiting to greet the new stars. In unison, Blair and Angie called to them to walk instead. Starr and Claire slowed to a fast walk immediately. Blair looked at Angie and laughed quietly. She knew what Angie was thinking. Seeing Starr and Claire together was honeysweet.
==========
Todd leaned back into the large saddle leather couch, put his feet up on the coffee table and took a sip of his coffee. The room had a nice feel to it—warm, with it’s the high beamed ceiling, solid furniture and the huge picture window that faced out onto an expanse of land dotted with mature oak trees and cattle grazing, framed by blue mountains in the distance. “I’m glad you decided to come. Blair and Starr should be back soon. They are just taking a short ride to the dry lake and back.” “It was either here or spend time listening to Sheri go on about missing Cassie and Toni and Dorian and…. Did you know she’s talking about opening a Bed & Breakfast? Wes sure can pick ‘um.” “He sure can.” Todd smiled at her. “Where’s Jack?” “He had a play date with Dottie and Maddog who are both acting like the world is ending because we are leaving today. Jeeze. I don’t know what it is with this town and my children. People referring to themselves as grandpa, or aunt this or that or…” “Nana Em?” “Well, that one’s okay.” Emily smiled at him then coughed softly. “That was some party Maddog threw yesterday. I swear seeing Dorian and Maddog doing the electric slide was almost more than my gut could stand I was laughing so hard.” “Yeah, Dorian is a regular laugh riot.” “And Starr and Claire were the perfect Cinderella.” “Would have been better with just Starr but that Claire kid is okay. I liked that kid who was with her better than the little shit Starr was paired with.” “He’s an okay kid just caught up in battles the adults around him need to fight on their own.” “Whatever.” “I like your friend RJ. Glad I got a chance to talk to him this time. Seems like a man who would have your back if needed.” “He’s okay.” “Does RJ know Carmen or something?” “Who’s Carmen?” “The new waitress at Maddog’s.” “Hell if I know. Why?” “Just picked up a vibe.” “Don’t start talking about vibes. I’ve heard enough of that shit in the last week or so to last me a lifetime or two.” “Caitlin told me about that Shuttlesworth character. He was bad news that’s for sure.” “One minute I was flying high and the next I was looking across a canyon at Blair on the other side. Don’t know how I let that happen.” “You probably need to find out. Not my business to say but there are dangers all around. Need to keep your wits about you.” “What is this a damn reality show or something? Outplay. Outwit. Outsmart shit.” “Not a game. People like Shuttesworth are bottom feeders that like to trawl in dank, dark places. The look for the keys to unlock the basement doors of people’s souls.” He balanced the coffee cup on his thigh. “Not you too, Emily.” “I’ve lived a long time. I’ve seen some things if I had a choice I would chose not to remember. No need of dwelling on it or making it something it’s not but there are people like that in the world and whether it’s fair or not you need to be vigilant.” “It’s not a problem.” “Didn’t say it was a problem but there’s a darkness in you that people like Shuttlesworth smell like sharks smell blood. They’ll try to tap into it and stoke the fire to the point of consuming you just for the thrill of watching you burn.” “What is this? Coffee & Salvation?” “You don’t need to be saved and, if you did, I sure as hell wouldn’t be the one to do it. Got a man waiting for me in hell and I have every intention of joining him.” Todd studied Emily for a minute. What was it about her that always seemed to tug at his heart? Hell if he would ever admit it out loud but something about her just made him feel at ease. Whatever she had to say to him he wanted to hear although he made no pretense that he would agree with her. Still, he trusted her enough to listen, which surprised him every bit as much as it would anyone who knew him. “Look, you are as much your darkness as you are the love I see in your eyes when you talk about Blair and your children. You have to be yourself. I suspect the darkness has let you survive when others would have perished. You can’t and shouldn’t try to erase it but you need to manage it. I’ve told you before what’s important is that you protect and cherish what’s yours.” There it was again. He stood up and moved next to the side of the picture window. Maybe he could see Blair and Starr riding across the field toward him. “Didn’t mean to overstep. Do you want some more coffee?” He shook his head. “I’ve tried to do right by Blair since what happened with Jack. I didn’t need Shuttlesworth to remind me of the darkness. I live with the consequences of it everyday.” He turned at look at Emily. “I haven’t forgotten what that cost me. I’ve spent a lot of time the last couple of nights trying to make sense of what happened with Shuttlesworth. Blair is convinced that he pushed some buttons in me as she put it, but I think it was more than that.” Emily set her cup on the end table next to her chair. “You think it was about Jack?” “Everything really started when I saw Rebecca again not when I met Shuttlesworth.” “What’s the connection?” Todd looked off into the distance and tried to think of a way to explain it to Emily. He wasn’t even sure he had a true handle on it himself. He pushed his hair off his face. “When I was with Rebecca it was during a really ugly time in my life. I thought she could save me. I thought she was my only way out of the hell I was in. Seeing her brought all of those feelings back.” Emily leaned forward. “You wanted to renew your relationship with her?” “No, that’s not what I mean. I guess in a weird way I still wanted her to save me. I promised myself that I would never hurt Blair again but I knew that promise was built on shifting sand and I didn’t know how to change that. Rebecca seemed like fate’s way of telling me what to do.” “I’m not sure if I understand what you’re saying.” “I wanted to go back and do that part of my life over. I wanted to turn left instead of right. It’s weird but I think I tried to rewrite my past with the only opportunity that seemed possible at the time.” Emily’s eyes grew wide. “The football team?” “I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s like Rebecca reminded me of the past and my early dreams and I felt if I could rewrite one small piece of my past then the rest would shift as well.” “What did you want to happen?” “I wanted to have been a different man for Blair. A man who would never have told her Jack was dead. To take whatever path would have kept me from hurting her like that.” Emily whistled softly. “That was a tall order.” “I needed that and more.” Emily bit her upper lip then shook her head. “Look, even if it was possible to rewrite the past I believe there is a balance in the world. What you are given is offset by what is taken away. If you had turned left instead of right you probably never would have met Blair.” “No. All paths would have led to Blair. I believe that. We were meant to be together.” “You love her that much.” “The thought that some quirk of timing could mean that I might have missed her ticks me off. Even when we’ve been apart for one stupid reason or another she was in my life.” “So the irony here is that you tried to find a way to erase the darkness for her and ended up almost losing her.” He glanced around the room then nodded his head. “That’s the way I figure it but I should have known better. For better or worse I am what I am.” He looked down and picked at his thumb. “But sometimes I look at Blair and don’t understand how she forgave me for Jack.” “But she did.” “For now but one day it’ll all come back.” “She has forgiven you. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at you.” “What about Jack?” Emily raised her eyebrows as she ran her finger up and down the side of her coffee cup. “Well, you will have to face it when it comes but you’ll handle it.” Todd walked back to the couch, flopped down then leaned forward. “I am going to have to look my son in the eye and admit that I threw him away. It won’t matter that as soon as Blair told me he was mine I found him and brought him home. He’ll just know that I abandoned him and lied to his mother. He’ll know I didn’t give a damn what happened to him until…I knew he was mine. Then he’ll hate me and the wounds will open in Blair again…and in Starr. It’s just a matter of time. I’ll lose it all.” “No. You won’t. Not if you take of care of it now.” “How the hell am I supposed to do that?” “Build a buffer of love.” “A buffer of love? What the hell is that? Like the buffered aspirin approach to life?” “You know why Blair forgave you? Because she loves you. Jack will forgive you too” Todd hit the arm of the couch. “I can’t count on that. And I swear I don’t think I’ll be able to survive losing him…or Starr … or Blair.” “You won’t lose them but how you handle it will teach your son something about facing responsibility and forgiveness.” “Come on, Emily. I’m opening the hell up to you here. I don’t do that. I expect something more than Sunday School lessons.” “Maybe buffer wasn’t the best word. How about bridge?” “What the hell ever.” “Fine then build a bridge with memories and love. Make it as wide and sturdy as possible. With children it’s easy. Love them and they love you back. Any love you give to them, they return tenfold. When that bridge is there, they will always find the way back to you.” “Jeeze, Emily. I need something guaranteed here. I can’t lose my son…I can’t lose my children.” “You lay a piece in that bridge every time you hug your son, every time you smile at him, every time you talk to him and let him know how valuable and interesting he is. You lay a piece every time you do what you have to do to keep him safe, when you let other people like Maddog and Dottie love him too, when you let him do what he can for himself so he learns he’s smart and competent and on and on. No magic. Just hard work.” “Steady building.” “Simple but true. I won’t lie to you and tell you that I think that when Jack finds out it won’t matter to him. He’s going to be hurt but that bridge will bring him back to you. That’s as close to a guarantee as it’s possible to make in this world.” “You got any Scotch? I think I need a drink.” A smile eased across Emily’s face. “I tell you what. Let’s take a walk.” “What is this summer camp or something?” “I want to show you something.” Todd sat on a huge boulder and looked out over the field. Emily seemed to be caught up in some kind of rapture as she scanned the horizon. They had walked for what felt like ten miles but was probably a fraction of a mile at most. “Okay, this is nice but once you’ve seen some trees and grass and shit you’ve seen them all.” “See where that fence cuts across there to the road?” “Yeah.” “From there to here is a lot. A nice size one. What do you say to building a house here? Some place to land when you’re in town. Just the span of a field or two from my place.” “We’re already building a house in Llanview. Big house on a mountain.” “You can afford to have two and I’ll give you the lot. Besides this house would be different because it can be small, on flat land and it’ll keep you out of Sheri’s Bed and Breakfast.” Todd laughed. Having some place to stay in Creedyville really wasn’t a bad idea since his wife and children seemed to think of it as their town. “I can afford to buy a lot.” “I know but I want to give it to you. I want to pass it on to you. Clay Cutter always saw one of his children living there. He used to talk about it all the time.” “I’m not one of his children.” Emily’s cheeks blushed red. “No, you’re not. I shouldn’t have said it that way.” “Why did you?” Emily looked him in the eye and smiled slightly. “Will you cut an old woman some slack please?” “Okay, but just this once. Don’t want you going soft on me though.” “Not a chance.” “So what do I have to do with Clay Clutter, The Original?” “I see so much of him in you, Outlaw. He would have loved you and Blair and adored the children. When I look at you, I wish he was alive. I wish you had gotten a chance to know him.” “Anybody who would've liked Blair, the kids AND me, I would like to have had a chance to know, too.” Emily chuckled and then studied him for a minute. “For a while I was angry at the twist of fate that brought you to all of us only after he was gone. Then I realize that maybe all of this was partly his guiding hand.” “Don’t start with the spooky stuff again.” “The fit here isn’t as easy or complete for you as it is for Blair. I understand that.” “I don’t fit in anywhere really well and neither does Blair.” “Maybe not but I sense in both of you a longing for home. A place of memory. A place to be from. A place where the light is always on and people are glad to see you when you walk through the door. Why not make it here?” Why not? “You don’t have to build on this lot or anywhere near me but I wanted to plant the idea in you and Blair’s mind of setting down roots here.” It really wasn’t a bad idea at all. “And that way if either of you ever gets lost again you’ll know where to start looking first—at home.” Chapter 32 Dreams In Amber Refrains FAN FICTION |