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The Tessarae Inn |
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Dreams In Amber Refrains
CHAPTER 4 When she walked into the living room, she was surprised to find Todd sitting in the club chair by the front window as if waiting for her. The reading lamp, the only light on in the entire bungalow, glowed softly and illuminated him as if he was an island of refuge or of inquisition. She stared at him for a moment. It was funny what your heart focused on when it was looking for betrayal. He had dressed up for Rebecca—put on a suit and a band collar shirt, white, which emphasized his tan. His hair was shampooed to a glossy finish. She knew his cologne probably ever so slightly hinted at a masculine version of citrus—lemon probably. “Where’ve you been, Blair?” She cleared her throat then said, “I went to Poe’s. I sat up in the loft with my shoes off and drank some scotch and fed the jukebox.” “You went to Poe’s without me?” “You were busy.” “I told you it would only be an hour or so. All we did was have dinner then walk on the beach and talk.” “What did you talk about?” He glanced away then picked at his fingernail for a minute. “It’s okay.” “It’s not that I won’t. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. I need some time to find the words.” “Really, it’s okay. We don’t need to talk about it. I have no right to ask you.” She crossed her arms over her chest as if warding off a sudden chill. “I’m sorry. A little too much to drink.” Todd narrowed his eyes and leaned forward as if he was about to say something but then stopped himself. He shook his head slightly and stood up. “I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.” “I think I’ll sit out on the deck for a few minutes. It’s such a beautiful night.” “Want me to sit with you?” “No. I don’t mind being alone for a few minutes. Have some things to sort out.” He let his gaze drift across her face then turned away as he started unbuttoning his shirt. “I’ll be waiting for you,” he said as he walked toward the bedroom.
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Blair listened carefully to the sound of the waves gently kissing the beach and then retreating like a shy maiden. There was a rhythm, a pattern hidden in the sequence, one of nature’s codes that reminded you that everything made sense if you took the time to listen. “Are you coming in Blair?” She glanced over at the doorway where Todd was standing then looked away quickly. He was dressed in soft cotton drawstring pants that hung low on his hipbone and nothing else. She felt her breath catch in her throat just at the sight of him but she wasn’t ready for what she knew would happen if she got too close to him. “Not for a while. I just need to not think for a while.” “I have a remedy for that. Come on in and let me take care of you.” “Not tonight. I just want to…” “I’ll sit with you.” “I’m fine alone.” Todd sat on the edge of the chaise lounge and rubbed her legs for a few seconds. She moved over slightly and drew her legs up. The chaise lounge was one of those styles popular a few years ago with no arms but wide enough for at least two people so she had room to maneuver out of his reach. “Are you jealous?” She tugged on her ring finger for a moment. “Yes. And you don’t have to tell me how stupid that sounds. I drank a lot of scotch--too much. I watched the sea for hours and let a cop give me a ride home on a hog. And the whole time I was telling myself how stupid my feelings were and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.” “What do you think happened, Blair?” “I think you walked on the beach and talked to Rebecca. I think you caught up on each other’s lives. Probably shared a tender memory or two. Looked wistfully at each other then wished each other well. That’s what I think happened.” “Then why are you so …” “I don’t know.” She sat up. “I need some time to figure it out. If it seemed like I didn’t understand before when you said you needed time, I’m sorry because I did. That’s the way I feel about what I’m going through too.” “Come on to bed.” “I can’t. Not now. You go on. I’m not sleepy.” “I’m not talking about sleep and you know it. What’s going on? You don’t want me to make love to you?” Blair shook her head slowly. “Not while you’re thinking of her. I understand why she’s on your mind. Honestly, I do. I just don’t want you to make love to me while you are thinking about her. Okay? Let’s just give each other a little time.” “No.” “What? All I’m asking is…” “I said, no.” Todd stood up then slipped next to her on the chaise lounge. She tried to move further away but he pulled her toward him then pressed his body against hers as he wrapped his arms around her. “Do you know what you do to me? Do you have any idea what I feel when I’m making love to you? How could you think I could think of anyone else when I’m with you?” Blair gave up trying to keep her distance. She eased down on the chaise and let her head fall on his chest. “This is so crazy. I’m sorry. I’m acting crazy. And for the life of me I can’t understand why. ” “Then stop it.” “That’s what I’m trying to do.” “What is this really about, Blair?” She sighed then lifted her head against his neck so that his chin rested on the top of her head. “I don’t know what seeing her triggered in me. I mean I’ve never wished her anything but well. I’ve always accepted the fact that because she loved you and you loved her it meant you were able to love me. I know that and when I think about it, I’m grateful to her.” “Then what’s the problem?” “I love you more than she could ever imagine loving you. Anything she could have given you, I’ve given you tenfold. Except I could never….” How could she possibly explain this to him in a way that made any sense? “Don’t stop. Talk to me.” “I can’t right now.” He tightened his arms around her. “At some point during that Cooper mess you told me if we had just talked to each other after Ireland, we could have spared each other so much pain. Remember?” She nodded then kissed his chest gently. He rubbed his hand along her arm. “If talking to you, if telling you what I feel, what I really feel means we may fight but we’ll never break then I’ll take the chance. Trust me. Tell me what the hell is going on.” She moved her hand across his chest, moving her fingers in and out of his silky chest hair and then circled his right nipple with the tip of her finger. She felt his body tremble in graduated ripples. She stopped the movement and turned her body so she could look up at him. “I could never be innocent. I could never be that sweet, gentle love you were reaching for with her. I was never that innocent and pure. Ever. You settled for something less…” “I never settled.” She moved away from him and looked out at the ocean. “Do you ever think of what might have happened if she hadn’t left, if she’d stayed and fought for you? Maybe you would have been happier—more complete. Suppose you hadn’t hooked up with a woman who lied to you about being pregnant?” “Water under the bridge. A long time ago. And I don’t want to talk about that and you know why. Whatever you did I did a million times worse. And I’m not trying to ignore it but I don’t want to wallow in it.” She turned toward him quickly. “I wasn’t taking a shot at you, if that’s what you think. It’s about my regrets and guilt over some of my choices. I’m feeling guilty and Rebecca just brought it all back to me.” Todd rolled his body toward her so they were face to face. “I’ll tell you what this all about. You had such bad taste in men before me that I can understand why you don’t get it. Max? Asa? Sam? Well, Asa and Sam don’t really count. Sam was my fault and Asa was a business deal.” She released the breath she was holding and laughed. “What are you talking about?” “I loved Rebecca but in the end it was more about what was possible than what was. If I didn’t love you so much, maybe I wouldn’t get that.” He looked her straight in the eye then he slipped his hand under her tank top and slowly circled her bellybutton then moved his hand toward her breasts. She moaned softly as his hand zeroed in on her nipple. “I can’t say what would have happened if I’d taken that other road but I can say what happened on the road I did take. I found the love of my life.” He rolled his body over her suddenly and when she opened her mouth to gasp he covered it with his and kissed her deeply. Her body shivered in gentle spasms but she fought to maintain her composure. When he finally let her come up for air, he grinned at her as his hand moved along her body. She forced herself to ignore what he was doing with his hands. She tried to catch her breath because despite her body’s need for him, her mind just couldn’t seem to let it go. “But maybe the other road,” she managed to say, “would have been better.” Todd exhaled loudly, pulled back and withdrew his hand. “What about Cord? He’s a decent man. He would have tried to do right by you. Do you think you would have been happier with Cord?” She thought about it for a moment then said, “The lows wouldn’t have been as low. But the highs…the highs …nothing in that relationship would have ever come close to what I’ve shared with you.” “Do you regret choosing me?” “Never. But it’s not like my heart had a choice.” He grinned at her and unbuttoned the waistband of her cutoffs. “Then let me tell you what’s going on.” He unzipped the zipper. “I’ve never felt as free, as right, as whole, as loved, as wanted, and as needed as I do right now. And that’s what has you losing your mind.” He pulled the shorts down low on her hips. “It’s been a long time since we’ve flown this high without a net, Blair, and we both know what it feels like to come crashing down.” She bit her lower lip and glanced away but then gasped as he began to move his fingers between her legs. She threw her head back and moaned slightly. The pleasure this man gave her she could not describe. “Stop looking down, Blair,” he whispered. “Just fly with me.” Chapter 5 Dreams In Amber Refrains FAN FICTION
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