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The Tessarae Inn |
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Poseidon Rising CHAPTER 16 Blair looked at the test stick for the fourth time. One line not pregnant. Two lines pregnant. There was only one line. She sat in the wicker chair by the French doors in her bedroom and stared out at the garden. Why did she feel such a profound sense of loss? There were not a lot of things that would have been worse than finding out she was pregnant but the baby had already become real in her mind. Another possibility gone. It was Saturday night and she was back to her new old ritual. Starr and Jack were with Todd, who she had successfully avoided seeing for six days and twenty-two hours. She carefully returned everything to the original package then wrapped the kit in a paper bag before wrapping it in a plastic bag and finally putting it in the garbage can. She took a long bath then selected a nightgown. She lit the candles, poured a glass of Scotch, turned on the radio and climbed into bed. The music was soothing and the flickering light from the candles relaxing. She slipped down under the covers. Maybe in a little while she could let the rituals go. Todd was back. He was safe. She really could move on with her life. No need to tread water any longer. She could swim full throttle. Maybe even do the Australian crawl to shore. The phone rang. She picked up the receiver. “I’m sorry about what happened last week,” Chad said. His voice was low and his speech was slightly slurred. She could hear loud music and voices in the background. "It’s okay. It all turned out for the best.” "Are you back with him?” “No. That’s not going to happen.” “Are we?” “No.” “Be careful here, Blair. I’m on a date right now and she’s pretty damn hot and she seems to think I’m okay too.” He wouldn’t want to know that she heard the crack in his voice but she did. She had hurt him. Once she said he was careless with people but she was the one. “You’re more than okay. A lot more. It’s my loss and I don’t want you to ever think I don’t know that.” “I could probably handle the baby, Blair. Starr and Jack are pretty cool.” “I’m not pregnant.” “Then…” “It’s not going to happen, Chad.” He didn’t say anything for a long minute. She could hear him breathing heavily. People were laughing and shouting in the background. She pictured him sitting with some beautiful girl a few feet away and a house full of people partying and he was on the phone to her. She wanted to reach across the space and touch him. To tell him that in the end he had been more right than wrong about the odds. “Fine,” he said finally. “I’m outta this thing with you. I can’t stay in one place waiting any longer.” Click. She stared at the receiver in her hand for a few seconds then placed it back in its cradle. She wiped a tear away, scooted down under the covers and held a pillow close to her body. “Goodbye, Chad,” she whispered then buried her face in the pillow. ========= Blair glanced around her office and sighed. “No more drama,” she whispered. “No more drama in my life.” She had forgotten to repeat her motto ten times a day and look what happened. There had been way too much drama lately but that was over now. Finally. She looked over the papers that were stacked on her desk. She had been ignoring the fundamentals of Shining Starr and things had piled up. Sunday morning was always a good time for her to catch up. There were some dreadfully important looking letters that she didn’t feel like opening but could not be avoided. She picked up one letter and let her fingers drift along the edge of the envelope then picked up the letter opener. Starr strolled into the office. “We’re home, Mommy.” “Why didn’t you call me? I was planning to pick you up. Who brought you?” “Amanda. She’s putting Jack in his crib. He’s still sleepy.” Blair walked around the desk and kissed Starr on the forehead. “I’m glad you’re home. I missed you.” Starr smiled and put her hand in hers. They walked upstairs to the nursery. Amanda was leaning over the crib rubbing Jack’s back as she made soothing sounds. “Hey,” Blair whispered. Amanda straightened up and turned around and Blair was surprised to see tears in her eyes. “Hey, yourself.” Blair walked next to Amanda then leaned over the railing of the crib and studied Jack for a minute. She kissed him then let her hand drift softly over her precious baby’s hairline. Satisfied that he was fine, she pulled Starr to her and waved to Amanda to follow her. They all walked into the hall. Blair closed the door to the nursery and looked at Amanda. “Are you okay?” Amanda smiled but it was weak and pale. “Fine,” she said. “Your children are so beautiful that sometimes I get emotional.” “Is Todd okay?” Amanda threw her hands in the air. “No longer in the message service. You two need to talk.” Amanda walked over to Starr and gave her a big hug. “Take care of your mother, Princess.” She glanced at Blair then waved. “I’ve got to go. Big doings to attend to. What you have is special, Blair. Don’t forget that.” Blair felt a prickly sting. “No one gave me anything, Amanda. Everything I have I fought for.” “Fight harder.” As she and Starr, who was reading Frances Hodgeson Burnett’s The Secret Garden and was currently into everything British, sat out on the deck drinking herbal tea, their Sunday afternoon version of high tea with real china, scones and marmalade, she couldn’t stop thinking about Todd. She ran the other night when she should have stayed and dealt with their issues. Amanda was right. She and Todd did need to talk. She may have been avoiding thinking about things before but now she couldn’t get her mind to cut off. All sorts of possibilities kept whirling around in her head. What was going on? What was the buzz of anxiety she sensed in Amanda? Was Todd okay? The guessing game was driving her so crazy that she finally broke her number one rule. “Is everything all right at your father’s?” Starr with her pinky finger extended placed her cup down gently into the saucer. “Yeah, I guess. He didn’t want me to talk about you. Said he didn’t want to hear your name. I wasn’t sure if he meant ‘Mommy’ or ‘Blair,’ though. Oh and he and Amanda were talking about getting married.” “Married?” “I think. Something about a trip. Daddy was gone last week or … I wasn’t really listening.” Blair felt her heart racing. Todd was going to marry Amanda. Oh shit. How could he marry Amanda? Did he love Amanda? How could he love Amanda? It wouldn’t be the first time he had married someone he didn’t love. She felt the sensation of something wet, thick and as gritty as sand draining from the center of her chest. This is what she wanted wasn’t it? Starr glanced at her. “Are you okay, Mommy?” Blair smiled and nodded her head. Starr lifted her chin for a second then smeared a scone with some jam. She bit into it ferociously and crumbs splattered around her mouth. She picked up her linen napkin with two fingers and dabbed the corners of her mouth delicately. Blair watched Starr for a second longer then looked out over the garden that stretched almost as far as she could see. There were trees, flowering shrubs, flower beds, and a beautiful gate all artfully arranged and maintained by a landscape firm she paid a handsome fee. It looked like the kind of garden she imagined a princess would have. But it was a world away from the lavishness of Llanfair or even the penthouse. Almost like an alternative universe. Yet when she was growing up, if you had asked her to describe her castle, it would have looked like this: a large Cape Cod house, with a picket fence and an English garden. For a long time she thought she chose the house because it was as different as possible from any place she ever lived with Todd. But the truth of the matter was that she had found her dream house. “Do you like Amanda?” Starr shrugged. “Sure. She’s neat. She makes me laugh and Daddy, too.” Blair felt a strange pang of jealousy mixed with guilt. Would Starr end up perfectly happy but stretched between two homes? Happy enough but never totally secure? Peppering her conversation with phrases such as ‘My father’s ninth wife,’ ‘my mother’s seventh husband the one after the college professor but before the candy scion’? “I’m sorry about all of this, Starr. I never wanted you running from house to house. I always wanted you to have a home that was stable and full of love.” “You and Daddy love me and he says home is a feeling not a place. I’m a big girl now. I understand. I’ve given up on things I can’t have. At least, I wasn’t a ward liked Mary and dumped on the doorstep of some uncle in Yorkshire who hates me.” Blair cringed at the statement: At least I wasn’t dumped. Is this what she and Todd had become--the lesser of two evils? They were better than being dumped on an unfriendly doorstep? “Are you at least a little happy here?” “Yeah. I like our new house. I didn’t at first but it’s neat and the kids are neat and the school is neat. I’m happy a little bit.” “What would make you happy a lot?” Starr folded her napkin and placed it on the table. “You don’t want to know.” “Sure I do. Tell me, Starr. If I can, I’ll get it for you.” “It’s my secret like the garden. I don’t want to share it.” Blair leaned closer to Starr. “Okay, you don’t have to but I want you to know you can tell me when you’re ready and I’ll do whatever I can to get it for you. I want you to be happy, Starr.” “It feels like a wish that will only work in a secret place—like in a secret garden. If I say it out loud any place else it won’t come true.” “Oh, Sweetheart, wishes are just dreams that you have when you’re awake. You don’t have to pack them away and pretend they don’t exist. Sometimes the only way the magic will work is if you say it out loud.” “I said it out loud before and I was happy but it just made you sad and Daddy leave.” What was she talking about? Blair searched Starr’s face frantically for a clue. Nothing that happened was Starr’s fault. Then it hit her in the heart like a sledgehammer. “Jack? Oh, no, Starr. Jack is like a gift to all of us. I…” Starr slammed her cup down. “I don’t want Daddy to marry Amanda. And I want you to let Daddy come home. That’s my secret.” Blair felt as if the air had been knocked out of her lungs. She tried to think of what to say. At that moment, there was nothing she wanted more in the world than for there to be a secret garden where she could take Starr and where wishes came true and little girls never had to get their hearts broken. Chapter 17 Poseidon Rising FAN FICTION
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