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The Tessarae Inn |
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Regrets in Jade Tones
CHAPTER 3 “You look like you’re happy, Blair. Are you?” Blair put her fork down and studied RJ for a moment. There was a time not so long ago when she would have automatically said she was happy. She and Todd were together and they had the children but she would never let herself forget again how quickly things can change. She approached everything about her life more cautiously and less extremely now. Although her mood these days could still careen from paranoid vigilance to blind faith, it mostly stayed somewhere in between. So, for the moment, she would say that things were going very well but there was no use kidding herself. If the past informs the future, there was another shoe somewhere waiting to drop. When she looked up, RJ was staring at her. She realized that she had taken an inordinate amount of time to answer his question. She cleared her throat and said, “There are lots of good things happening in my life now. The TV station, we’re building a house on Llantano Mountain, JStarr and, of course although it goes without saying, Starr and Jack.” “I heard what he did to you…about the baby.” Blair bit her lower lip for a few seconds then said, “You and the rest of the town I suppose.” “Yet, you forgave him.” She placed her fork on the edge of her plate, crossed her arms and said, “Yes, I did.” “But you didn’t forgive Max for sleeping with Skye.” “Love had something to do with it.” “Love?” “Love heals the wound it makes.” “Eva Cassidy. I like that song, too.” “Yeah. She was great.” RJ’s eyes narrowed slightly then he smiled. “I guess that tells me everything I need to know about you and Max.” Blair snorted quietly. “Probably more than you’d ever want to know. Why are we talking about Max anyway? Let the past bury the past.” “If only it would.” RJ pulled his napkin out of his lap and put it beside his plate. Blair studied him for a minute. He looked as deliciously arrogant as ever but there were touches of sadness around the edges. “You know you can talk to me,” she said. “What’s going on?” “Am I that transparent?” “As a triple-paned tempered glass window in a wood frame.” RJ cocked his head and raised his right eyebrow. “Sorry, we’ve been selecting windows for the house.” “I see. Maybe we should talk about this some other time.” “I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to be flippant.” “I know.” “Tell me what’s on your mind.” RJ dipped his head slightly and leaned forward. “Forgiveness.” Blair felt her mood shift from light and breezy to cool wariness within an instant. “What about it?” RJ seemed to judge her reaction with narrowed eyes but then his face softened. “I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Why sometimes you can forgive someone horrible things and other times even a minor cut becomes gangrene on the heart.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. I think it’s one of those secrets you get as a gift once you die because I have no idea.” RJ grunted. Blair took a sip of her wine. She didn’t like where this conversation was going but she was the one who pressed RJ to talk. “When did you know you could forgive him?” She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. “Not until I did.” “It just came to you?” “I worked at it and one day I just could. “ There was no need of going into a long explanation about Creedyville, Emily, Sheri, Wes or…Travis. “It took time, though.” RJ tightened his lips and looked away briefly. Blair watched him. This wasn’t about she and Todd at all. Something was eating at RJ. She debated whether to extend the conversation. She and Todd had gotten past the pain but the prickly edges of regret and mistrust floated right below the surface of the bond between them. Their relationship was still a work in progress and she really didn’t want to drag the specifics of their truce into the light on a whim, even for the sake of a friend. RJ seemed to be examining the edge of the table. A loud silence hung between them. Finally, she said, “I can tell you this. It was up to me to find a way to forgive Todd because nothing he did could have made it right.” RJ nodded and she could see the pain in his eyes even more clearly. He was hurting. The signs were everywhere even without the loaded questions. She searched her memory. What had she heard about the circumstances surrounding the surprising discovery that RJ not only had a daughter, Keri, but an eight-year-old son, Jason? The facts were murky but she did know that Keri and Jason had the same mother. RJ seemed to read her thoughts. “Sometimes I look at Jason and I can’t believe my luck. I have a son and he is like this…this miracle in my life. I love Keri but by the time I met her she was a fully grown woman who didn’t really need me.” “I doubt that,” she said softly. “I didn’t find my mother until I was an adult and I still need her.” “I’m just saying that she was already fully formed as a person and the best we’ve been able to do is to take that as a starting place and try to get to know each other.” “What about Jason?” “It’s so different with him. I see myself in him, Blair, and that’s an amazing thing—to see yourself in your child. Henry’s there, too, and Jason’s mother, Toni, of course. No telling how many other people shine through that child, but I still can’t get over seeing myself reflected back at me.” “Tell me about him.” “You really want me to rattle on about my kid? I don’t think so. Even I have some shame.” “This is Starr’s partner in crime. The more I know the better.” “Well, he’s smart.” “But a little bit low on self-restraint?” RJ grinned. It was obvious he picked up on the reference to Mrs. Cole’s comments earlier. “What else?” “He’s as stubborn and as sure he’s right about everything as Henry ever was, but he’s cunning, impatient, and irreverent like me. I guess with that combination it’s lucky that he has his mother’s warmth and understanding. I mean the kid even understands me.” “I guess the miniature dreadlocks and the designer clothes help.” RJ chuckled. “Now, we do share a certain fashion sense, but its more than that. He gets me, Blair, and I’ve never had that happen in my life before, except…” Blair waited for a few seconds to see if RJ would continue but he didn’t. He suddenly looked like he regretted guiding the conversation in this direction. But he did start it and she had a right to be curious, didn’t she? Still, she didn’t want to make him shutdown. How could she ask about Jason’s mother without seeming too obvious? “Do you blame his mother for keeping him …keeping him and Keri away from you?” “I’m trying not to. Or, at least, to get over it. She had her reasons.” “But they were selfish reasons, weren’t they?” “Hell, yes,” said RJ forcefully. “Selfish and delusional and I paid the price. A man has a right to know his children.” She had always believed that but still it was funny how sometimes circumstances could make just the opposite seem true. “Children change your life,” she said softly. RJ nodded his head. “I never believed that until Keri. I love Rachel but it isn’t really the same. I always thought people who went on and on about their children were just saps. Now, look at me—talking your ear off about Jason.” “I asked, remember?” He smiled as if slightly embarrassed. He took a sip of his wine and fiddle with his napkin. For a few minutes they sat in silence, again. Finally, Blair said, “What are we going to do about Jason and Starr?” RJ’s face eased into a slow smile then he grinned. “Let’s face it, Blair. They’re just our past sins coming home to roost.” “That’s the truth.” “But I guess we need to protect them from themselves right now.” “Starr thinks Jason is the best thing since she discovered tarantulas. I can’t tell you what I would have given for a friend like that when I was her age. I don’t want to do anything to mess with that.” “I’m whispering here because Jason thinks Starr is spun gold but he’d never say it out loud.” Blair chuckled quietly, “Boys.” “Hey, girls can keep a secret or two, too.” “It’s an acquired skill.” RJ laughed and hit the table lightly. “The game starts early doesn’t it?” “I have an idea. Why don’t we all get together for dinner?” “All?” “You, Toni, and Jason come over for dinner with the Mannings.” “A dinner party at the Mannings? Now, that sounds like a Category Four Disaster waiting to happen.” “Hey, what are you saying?” “I’m saying that maybe you better check with your husband then get back to me in ten to twenty years.”
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