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The Tessarae Inn |
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The Son Also Rises CHAPTER 14 Todd was sleeping or at least pretending to. She sat in the chair by the window and watched him for a long time. Even though it made sense for her to let him believe the storm was over, she couldn’t bring herself to get in bed with him or touch him. Once again her life was turning on a dime but she was damn near an expert by now. Nothing about finding out her life was one big lie hurt any less this time than before but she had learned from experience to lead with her head not her emotions. And she knew better than to tip her hand to Todd. Let him believe whatever let him sleep at night. She slipped out of the bedroom and walked down to the living room and then to the armoire where they stored the CDs and the stereo equipment. She rummaged through the CDs until she found the one she wanted then slipped it into the portable player. She balanced the player as she grabbed a glass and a bottle of Scotch from the bar. Time to make some plans. When she turned around, Todd was standing two feet away. She was more irritated than surprised. He scanned her body, looked at the items in her hands and finally settled his gaze on her face. “What is that you want to know, Blair?” She tilted her head to the right then slowly rolled it back and narrowed her eyes. “I want to know how you could make love to another woman when I was here waiting for you, praying for you, needing you.” “What happened happened.” Blair placed the player and the bottle of Scotch on the coffee table then sat down on the sofa and crossed her legs. “I want to know how. I want to know why you did that to me.” “Can we just deal with the reality of the situation now? Sean is here. What do you want to do about that?” “I want to know if it was all just a lie? If you didn’t love me, Todd, why didn’t you just let me go?” “How many men have you touched, Blair, and still claimed to love me? How many?” She leaned forward and locked her hands together. “Not one. Not one when my vows to you held. ‘til death do us part, Todd. With this ring, Todd. Not one when I knew you were in this world or when your ring was on my finger.” “Yeah, like I’m supposed to believe that.” Blair grabbed for the bottle of Scotch and stood up. “I don’t expect anything from you anymore.” Todd stared off into the distance. “I didn’t touch her, Blair. She touched me. I was on drugs for the pain that brought me in and out of consciousness. She wanted a child. You connect the dots.” A wave of anger slapped her in the face. “Oh, so now, it was all her fault that you screwed her?” He rocked back on his heels then narrowed his eyes into slits. “What the hell ever,” Blair hissed. “What the hell ever.” “Are you listening at all?” Todd’s voice was soft and low. “I didn’t have a real choice.” “Of course, you didn’t. She was so mesmerizing you lost your head, is that it?” “I woke up in a daze and she was on me. I thought I had finally made it home…” Blair whipped her head around toward him. She felt like screaming at him. Did he really expect her to be stupid enough to believe this nonsense? The expression on his face made her stop in her tracks. She could see the pain in his eyes and the shame. Shame. She studied him for a moment. What was he saying? Was he saying that he didn’t come on to Katherine but once she did he got caught up in the moment? Was he saying that he was sexually frustrated and Katherine used that to seduce him? What the hell was he saying? “I didn’t have a choice. I was sick …I...I was weak and… For a long time, I didn’t even know where I was most of the time. I…I” Slowly the implications seeped into her consciousness. He had been sick; he had been weak; he had been on drugs that altered his state of consciousness—his reality... He didn’t have a choice. She gasped then clutched her stomach for a moment then she covered her mouth with her hand and bent forward. Katherine had taken what she wanted from him by something akin to force. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I didn’t know.” He frowned. “I didn’t want you to know, Blair,” he said in a low rumble. “You think I want you to understand what happened to me?” “Why didn’t you tell me this in the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me when I first found out about Sean?” “You think I want to talk about that shit? You think I want to see you looking at me the way you are now? Like I’m some kind of helpless victim. How stupid does that sound?” “You didn't ask for what happened to you.” “I don’t need you to try to whitewash it for me or to try to explain things you don’t understand.” Don't understand? To hell with you! “When did I become some clueless bimbo in your mind? When did I suddenly become someone who doesn’t understand about the price of force and violation? Have you forgotten who I am?” He looked away from her then down at his hands. “It’s not that, Blair.” “Then talk to me, damn it. Tell me what I need to know.” “I went to Ireland to make amends with Marty Saybrooke and got shot in the damn back for my trouble. But that really wasn’t the grand equalizer was it? What’s a little attempted murder compared to a rape?” Blair’s stared at him with wide eyes. “You think what happened was what you deserved?” “What I think is that I’ve had enough of this. I’m going back to bed.” “Wait.” He threw up his hand then walked out of the living room without looking back at her. She let him go. There was already almost too much to absorb. Too much to separate. Fact? Fiction? She needed to silence the emotions raging inside of her. She needed stillness. She needed to think. She walked over to the armoire and selected another CD then grabbed the player, the bottle of Scotch and her glass and walked out onto the patio where she sat everything down on an end table. She stretched out on a chaise lounge and stared up at the night sky. It was a cold, clear night and stars dotted the heaven with crystal points of light as if hung for someone’s party. The moon was crescent shaped and streams of light illuminated points on the patio but she sat in the dark. She needed the cover. She studied the stars for two hours as her mind once again worked through everything that had brought her to this point in her life. There had been so much loss, so much pain and so much anger but more than anything there had been so much wasted time. Finally, she drew her knees to her chest then put on the headphones. She swore that she would never play this song again. Never have to listen to it to remind herself of what was at stake but here she was again letting Allison Krause’s voice caress her and put her pain to a melody. “Who would sell their
soul for love, or waste one tear on compromise, should be easy enough to know a
heartache in disguise.” What bargain had she made that guaranteed she was never to know true happiness?
“But the heart grows light and the going gets rough. Pride takes the fall when you find that kind of love.” Loving him was so hard but she couldn’t seem to stop.
“Can’t help feeling like a fool since I’ve lost that place inside where my heart knew it’s way and my soul was ever wise.” Even if she accepted that what happened with Katherine in Ireland was not his fault, what explained his willingness to lie to her for all these years? Did he lie because he loved her or was it about Katherine?
“More than innocence was lost. There was not faith enough. Still my heart held on when it found that kind of love. Though beauty is rare… green earth and such. Still we trust somehow we‘ll find it there. With no guarantee it seems to me at least it should be fair.” Or, had he never really loved her at all? “But if it’s only tears and pain, isn’t it still worth the cost. Like some sweet saving grace or a river we must cross.” There had been so many chances just to walk away and let it be but he had always come back for her, fought for her, and claimed her again.
“If we don’t
understand what this life is made of, we learn the truth when we find that kind
of love. Because when innocence is lost there is not faith enough.
We learn the truth when we find that kind of love.” Maybe he had no choice in this either. Maybe that’s the way people acted when they found that kind of love. But she did have a choice about what she was going to do next. She cut off the CD player and pulled off the headphones. She did love Todd. Maybe it was crazy love but she did love him and they were together. Katherine was dead. Sean needed a mother and she already loved him. What was lost? What was gained? She had another child to love and maybe it didn’t matter how he came into her life. In the final analysis, she could choose to hold on to her happiness today and let the demons of the past stay put. She watched the stars for a while longer then realized that she was cold. It was time to go to bed and get warm.
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The Son Also Rises FAN FICTION SLIDESHOWS
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