|
The Tessarae Inn |
|
Consequences in Blue Notes CHAPTER 2 Starr seemed to study her with eyes grown large with fear. Blair pulled the covers over herself then leaned against the backboard of the bed. She couldn’t stand the thought of anyone touching her right now. Of course, what she wanted hadn’t mattered to Todd. She patted the bed and Starr scrambled next to her. “What’s going on, Mommy? Why are you acting all crazy and weird again?” Her cheek burned from the slap. “Because I am crazy and weird.” She felt Starr jump at the harshness of her voice. She hadn’t meant it to come out that way but lately nothing she meant or wanted seemed to matter. Her mind had been reviewing everything in minute detail. She still wasn’t sure how Starr fit into all of this but she did know that she was tired of being lectured by a seven-year-old. A seven-year-old she loved from the moment she was only a whispered desire; who she loved through court battles, slaps in the heart, screaming accusations of how she was evil, and months without a single phone call, card, email message or letter and would always love no matter what. From the beginning it had gone without question that she loved her child but what good had that done her? She pulled her arms across her chest. “Do you love your father, Starr?” “Yes. And you love him, too, Mommy.” When she was Starr’s age, she dreamed of being her long lost father’s princess, but her father never came and no one ever saw her as a princess. Starr, though, was loved without measure and she would never question that she was her father’s princess regardless of anything he did. Blair made sure of that. Blair glanced at Starr. “Do you think your father loves you?” “Yes.” Starr’s response was slow and measured this time as if she was afraid of what was about to come next. “He does and you should never forget that. You take care of him and he will take care of you.” “What about you?” She looked away. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Starr but she said, “I always have and I always will love you. Remember that even when people tell you otherwise. You’ll be okay.” And Starr would be okay. Blair had survived without a mother and a father in a world straight out of a Dickens novel. But Starr would never know what it felt like not to be loved. Never. Whatever Todd would or would not do in the future, he would always take care of Starr. “I’m tired now, Starr. Let me get some sleep.” “You’ve been sleeping all day.” “Then I’ll sleep all night. I’ll sleep as long as I want,” she said as she nudged Starr off of the bed. Starr struggled. “I’ll stay here with you.” Blair stopped nudging Starr and got out of the bed on the other side. Didn’t she matter at all? Todd invaded her space without consent or conscience but she didn’t have to take this from Starr as well. She walked around the bed and took Starr’s hand, led her to the door, opened the door and pushed her gently into the hall. “Remember what I told you,” she said then slammed the door and locked it. Tiredness so profound that she wondered if she had enough strength to walk back to the bed descended. She struggled as if walking through water. She stumbled just as she reached the bed but managed to pull herself to the point where the covers were folded back then she swam under them. The darkness comforted her. She still had a lot of work to do. Slowly the memories floated back. She breathed a sigh of relief as she selected the next one on the list and began to methodically examine it in the smallest detail. She ruthlessly scrapped away the rose-colored tint and sepia tones her memory infused onto the events through the years and looked at what happened objectively. She was erasing the weight on her heart one memory at a time. When she was light enough, she was flying away from this place. |