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The Tessarae Inn |
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Consequences in Blue Notes
CHAPTER 20 Todd stared out at the backyard through the French doors in Dorian’s living room. He was the one who always reminded Blair that it was Starr’s house but the truth was that it would always be Dorian’s house. As soon as all of this was settled, he was going to find or build them a new place. Maybe on Llantano Mountain like he promised Blair he would so many years ago. Nothing was moving in the backyard—not even a squirrel. He was more than irritated about that because he needed the distraction. He wanted to stand out in front of the house but that wouldn’t make her arrive any faster and he didn’t want Starr to see how anxious he was. Leaving Blair in Creedyville was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, bar none. She told him that she would come back to Llanview in her own way and on her timetable. It might be six hours, six weeks, or six months before she returned, but she would come when she was ready. It was six days, well, actually five and a half days. She called two nights ago to say she was coming in today. Then she went out of her way to make him mad. She cracked that she was calling to say she was coming home because she didn’t want to walk in on something unexpected. He got the message. She was talking about his return from Ireland and Patrick. But more than that she was sending a signal that she was not going to be cowed by the memory anymore. Whatever guilt she felt about that horrible time was gone. So much so that she could be flip and joke about it. He sensed that even greater changes were on the horizon. Starr drifted into the living room. “Is she here, yet?” “She’s not supposed to be here for another hour.” “Are you sure she’s coming?” “Yes.” “Okay, I’m going to go play with Jack.” As he watched Starr walk out of the living room he felt sadness smash into his chest like a fist. When Blair called, he realized that he couldn’t avoid telling Starr the truth any longer so he told her why Blair left--the real reason. At first Starr looked at him with hope in her eyes. He’s my REAL brother! You didn’t tell Mommy? That’s not so bad, is it? You thought he was dead, right, Daddy? Then he watched that light die when he admitted that he was the one who told Blair the baby was dead when he knew the baby was alive. In that moment, he saw her faith and trust in him waver. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t believe him any longer or trust him anymore, but the blind faith and trust were gone—forever. He always knew he would lose it at some point but the pain of the loss was more than he imagined. When he put Starr to bed that night, she looked at him with such serious eyes and said, “If you didn’t want Mommy to come back, would you tell me she was dead?” Now they were waiting for Blair to come home. Starr was angry and sad. He was anxious and sad. They needed Blair because she was the only one who could erase the pain. He stood looking out at the yard for a long time. He was once again replaying everything that had happened between he and Blair since he returned more than a year ago. He finally realized something that he ignored for months. Blair tried over and over again to tell him the truth. She left clues big enough to drive a Mac truck through and he simply refused to see what was right in front of his nose. Why? Why had he been so hell bent on believing the worst about her? Because he didn’t think he deserved her. He could never admit that fact even to himself, so he did everything he could to bring her down to his level instead. His plans never worked. Blair always seemed like a precious jewel that he knew he couldn’t keep. Back in Creedyville Sheri asked him if he loved Blair enough to let her go and he made a snide comment. How could he admit to Sheri that Blair was as close to being his soul as it was humanly possible to be? Letting her go was like taking the sun out of his sky. He lived in that dark as a result of his own stupid acts once and he was barely able to drag himself out of that long winter. He thought about Tea and shook his head. What an ugly painful time that was. He tried to hurt Blair and ended up almost destroying himself. He heard the sound of a car coming up the driveway. He closed the French door then sat on the sofa facing the doorway. An hour later, really only five minutes or so, he heard the front door open. Blair called out but he waited a minute before he stood and walked into the foyer. Blair was dressed in jeans and a loose fitting charcoal sweater. Her hair was caressing her shoulders but her face was devoid of makeup. She looked more beautiful than he remembered. He couldn’t seem to move, but she placed her backpack on the floor and walked slowly to him. She touched his face with both of her hands. He pulled her closer to him and kissed her. Starr rushed down the stairway yelling, Mommy, Mommy. Blair pulled away from him and rushed to Starr. She squatted and embraced Starr. Starr pulled away quickly. “Are you staying?” “Yes.” Starr’s eyes flashed. “You had no business leaving in the first place.” “I had to, Starr.” “You didn’t have to do anything. You left me. You left Jack. You could have stayed.” “It didn’t seem that way at the time, Sweetheart.” “You could have stayed. Daddy was sorry about what he did.” Blair glanced up at Todd. “You told her?” He nodded. “Yeah, he told me. But you were just wrong, Mommy.” Blair bit her lower lip and then stood up. “I know my being away hurt you, Starr,” she said in a soft but firm voice, “but don’t tell me again what I could or could not do, is that understood?” Starr stuck her lower lip out but after a second said, “Yes, ma’am.” “Good. I’m really glad to be home, Starr.” Starr grinned. “Did you bring me anything?” “I brought you me.” Starr frowned then her eyes widened and she hugged Blair again. When she broke away, Starr grabbed Blair’s hand. “Let’s go see Jack. He missed you, too.” Starr dragged Blair up the stairs. Blair turned and asked him to take her backpack upstairs. “Which bedroom?” “Our bedroom, of course,” she said just before she and Starr disappeared around the bend in the stairway. Todd opened the door to the nursery slowly. He could hear Jack and Starr laughing merrily. When was the last time that room was filled with so much joy? He knew the answer to that question. It was the morning of the day the awful truth came out. He stepped into the room tentatively. Blair looked up and smiled at him. “He’s grown so much. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed. He is so beautiful.” “He looks like his mother.” “And his sister,” said Starr. Todd closed the door and joined the three of them on the floor. Blair handed Jack to him then pulled Starr into her lap. “I was just telling Mommy what happened in Miss Cole’s class last week when Jason Reynolds knocked out Frank Bryson in front of the whole class. It was so cool.” Blair hugged Starr and kissed her on the cheek. Jack waved his hands and reached toward her. Starr laughed and made a face at him but she rolled out of Blair’s arms. Todd handed Jack to Blair and the baby screeched in delight. Starr climbed in Todd’s lap. He kissed the back of her head then reached across for Blair’s hand. The four of them sat that way for a long time. That night after Starr was asleep and Jack settled down, he waited for her in the bedroom. The backpack was sitting in the middle of the bed. He studied it and used all of his energy to squelch his urge to search it. What had she brought back from Creedyville? Were there clues in that backpack about where her heart really was? Blair walked into the room smiling. “Oh, Todd, they are so beautiful.” She stopped when she saw the backpack then laughed. “You’ve been sitting there trying to decide whether to go through it or not haven’t you?” “What do you take me for, Blair?” “Feel free to unpack it. I have no secrets hiding in there.” “It’s okay.” Blair climbed onto the bed and began to unpack the bag. With each item she pulled out she gave him a running commentary on its history. The fact of the matter was there was nothing in the bag but some clothes and cosmetics. He ran his hand across her clothes. They were so different from what she usually wore. He picked up a white cashmere sweater. “This seems a little sophisticated for Mayberry.” “If you’d stayed longer you would have an idea of why that statement is so unfair. But you’re right I didn’t get that in Creedyville. It was a gift. I…” This was ridiculous. Why was he wasting time talking about clothes? He cut her off, pulled her to him and kissed her deeply. They made love on top of her clothes before climbing under the covers for the second go round. Afterwards, he watched Blair sleep. She was wrapped in his arms but there was still a distance between them. He finally understood that it was going to take time. She wasn’t completely back yet but she was coming home. He would just have to learn something that he spent so much of his life trying to avoid--patience. |