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The Tessarae Inn |
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The Son Also Rises PART II It’s frightening to think that you mark your children merely by being yourself. … It seems unfair. You can’t assume the responsibility for everything you do—or don’t do. --Simone De Beauvoir
CHAPTER
13 “Is there some reason in particular that you wanted to come here, Blair?” “Todd wasn’t home when I left but he’ll soon realize that I’m gone. He’ll come looking for me. Maybe this once he wouldn’t find me.” Cassie sighed. “Why here, Blair?” Because I feel lost even to myself but somehow he would eventually manage to find me but I have no intention of making it easy for him. “Because it’s beautiful and he would never think to look for me here.” “It’s kind of dangerous, don’t you think? There’s no rail over there and we’re really high up.” “I know. Isn’t it wonderful? This is one of my favorite spots in the park. There is nothing between the night sky and us.” “Well, I’m not sure. This high up and Llantano Mountain is pretty scary in the daytime but at night it’s downright spooky.” “It’s only six o’clock, Cassie.” Blair walked closer to the edge of the drop-off. “And I like it up this high. I like the dark. I like the stillness.” Cassie tapped the seat of the bench where she was sitting. “Is it really that important to hide from him? Why don’t you just tell him to back off and give you some space?” Blair turned slightly and looked over her shoulder at Cassie. “Because this is Todd and what I want rarely matters to him.” “I don’t think that’s true.” Blair exhaled in a rush then turned back toward the gray-blue misty vista that stretched out beyond the drop-off. “And because I can’t think when he’s too near me and he knows it.” “I guess I can understand that.” “He wants me spinning and confused. He wants me not to remember what it was like back then when I thought he was dead and he was out making a baby. He wants me to forget everything that happened after he came home, mad as hell at me. Do you remember what he did to me, Cassie?” “You’re angry right now, Sweetheart. Maybe this is not the time to try to sort through all of that.” Blair turned and looked at Cassie. “Maybe not. Besides this latest lie doesn’t really change any of that. He still did all of those despicable, awful things…taking Starr away from me, marrying that bitch attorney of his just to win a custody suit, …and still I forgave him. What does that say about me?” Cassie exhaled loudly. “I don’t know. Maybe the obvious is just obviously true. You love him.” Blair shook her head then turned away and spread out her arms. “Being up here makes me feel like I’m flying.” “Is that what you want to feel right now?” “I want to feel free.” “That’s not going to happen.” Blair turned toward her. “Why would you say that, Cassie?” “Freedom is just another word for nothing else to lose.” “Cassie, please.” “I’m trying to remind you that whatever you may be feeling right now, you are not free and you never will be again. There are too many people who love and need you. We are all holding on to you for dear life, including him.” “Why do I feel so alone then?” “Because you are too close to the edge. Please, come back over here and sit next to me. We’ll work this through, Blair.” Blair stared out into the distance then lowered her arms and slowly walked next to Cassie then sat beside her on the bench. Cassie touched shoulders with her. “What do you want to do?” She shivered then dropped her head. “I don’t know. Sorry about dragging you up here but I guess I didn’t trust myself to be alone.” “Why don’t we go back to my house? It’s dark, cold and deserted up here. It’s bright, warm and I have hot chocolate at my place.” “I need the space to think.” “Okay, if that’s what you need but stay away from the edge over there.” Blair nodded just as she heard the sound of something rolling across the gravel road and caught the flash of car headlights. “And, look, we’re not alone.” Cassie tensed up and jangled her keys. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Maybe we need to go back to the car.” “No. Look, they’re heading on up to Widow’s Peak.” “I thought they closed that area of the park down years and years ago. After that horrible accident, I mean.” “They did but park personnel still go up there. And there’s this great cabin and…” “How do you know so much about it?” Blair tightened her lips and turned her head slightly but then said, “After Starr was born and when I thought he was dead, I used to go up there all the time and stand as close to the edge as possible.” “Blair! They closed that area for a reason!” “Since when have I been known to follow the rules?” “Point taken,” Cassie said then moved her hand along Blair’s arm, “but I’m scared to ask you what I really want to know.” Blair exhaled in a short loud burst. “Starr gave me a reason to live, but I still felt so dead inside. He was the love of my life, Cassie, and it felt like everything inside of me had been stripped away.” “I remember, Sweetheart.” “I was trying to bring myself back to life for Starr. And he was in Ireland…” “Trying to get home to you.”
============= She lowered herself slowly into a squatting position then let her hand drift across the grass in the tiny plot. The headstone was small—only his name and date of birth and death. She let her fingers trace the indentions in the marble. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here a lot lately, Sweetheart. I don’t want you to ever think I’ve forgotten you. I carry you in my heart everyday. Not a day goes by when I don’t remember and wish things had been different. I know your father is there with you and you are not alone but I pray everyday that God and all his angels are looking out for you.” A sudden pain gripped her. Was she lying to him? Had she gotten on with her life and put his life and death behind her. Had she forgotten him? What kind of mother was she? A chill wrapped around her and settled in her chest. The gods had not been distracted at all. They were laying a trap for her that would swallow her soul whole. Her son was dead and she had barely been allowed to love him. Todd had been so mad, so hurt and so unforgiving and she had been so guilty. He blamed Patrick and Brendan for all of it and all that time…all the time Todd knew he had a son in Ireland. A son. He had a son. How could Todd have done that to her? He died and she died for him. She was alone and lost and she needed him. Where was he? He was with Katherine. How had Sean described her—as a Viking Queen with hair like fire? A woman who obviously aroused desire in men so white hot it erased even the memories of what had been. Had he been lying to her about his love all this time? All these years. Blair sank to the ground. He had been in love with Sean’s mother. Why else would he have cheated on her? She tried to brush her tears away but they sprang forward and then flowed as if there was no choice left in the world. Why had he come home at all? Was it because he couldn’t have Katherine? When he left Llanview those times had he gone back to Ireland desperately trying to get her to take him back? Blair dropped her head and crossed her arms over her chest and held her sides. “I am so sorry, Brendan. I’m sorry about everything.” “Are you sorry about loving me?” Blair snapped her head up but she didn’t look around. She knew it was Todd. “What does it matter? I loved you all this time and it was a lie. What I feel doesn’t matter.” “It’s the only thing that does matter.” “You almost destroyed me. When you came back, I cried enough tears to fill the Irish Sea trying to make you realize how much I loved you. What difference did it make?” “I loved you, Blair. I loved you then. I love you now.” Those were just words. He had said them before and what had they really meant? “Could you have loved my son? Could you have loved Brendan?” She sensed his movements and realized he had squatted down behind. “What do you want me to say, Blair?” His voice was soft and low and he was so close she could feel the moisture from his breath. “You want me to lie to you? I hated the idea that he owned a piece of you. I hate that you are here now because your grief feels like you are taking something from me.” She looked back at him then stood up quickly. He rose to a standing position too and faced her. “You are the most selfish man I've ever known.” “Maybe but I don’t pretend otherwise. You know what I am, Blair. By now, you know how much I love you despite what you are trying to tell yourself now. And you know what that means. If you let another man put his hands on you, you know the price.” “You were dead, Todd.” He drew a deep breath then yelled, “For a few months, Blair. For a few damn months. And I came back and found that rhyming scum all over you and you having his baby.” “I wasn’t dead, Todd, but you touched some other woman. What price did you pay for that?” He looked off into the distance. “I left him and came back to you. You were never supposed to know anything about it. Never.” “And that made it right?” “It made it what it was. I gave my son away because I could not expect you to accept him or what I had done. I made a choice.” He looked directly at her. “I chose you.” There were those damn tears again. She rubbed her forehead then turned away from him. “Please leave me alone.” “Do you understand what I am saying, Blair.” “Just give me some peace.” “You’ll never have peace in your life. That’s not our destiny. With us it’s always going to be something. May as well accept that. And you may as well accept that I’m never going to leave you alone. Now, come on. It’s late and cold out here. We need to go home.” “I’m not going anywhere with you.” “Yes, you are because I’m not leaving.” His voice sounded hard as steel. He reached over and forced her to turn around. “You’re stuck with me, Blair, for better or worse.” “We’ll see.” “Yeah, you will. Now, come on. I’m worried about the kids.” She was tired of fighting. Tired of trying to create a reality out of a fantasy. There was nothing more she could do out here. There was nothing more she could do about any of it. She had plans to make. Decisions to make. Her head was clear now. “Are you coming, Blair?” She nodded slowly then bent down and touched Brendan’s headstone. He watched her without blinking. She straightened up and looked him in the eye for a few seconds then turned and walked to her car.
Blair stared out at the world rushing toward her through the windshield. For someone supposedly worried about the kids, he was taking the long way home. Still it had been easier to let him drive than fight with him over whether or not it made sense to take one car and leave her car behind. Time to conserve her energy and choose her battles carefully. There would surely be plenty of battles to come. Just the thought of it made her tired. She leaned her head against the car window and let the tears roll down her cheeks. She was weary of war but it was love that always seemed to leave her scarred and broken.
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The Son Also Rises FAN FICTION SLIDESHOWS
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